If you just walked away, what could I really say? [entries|friends|calendar] Gabe's Girl [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[17 Jul 2008|11:11pm] ( PRIVATE ) Hey Gabriel, call me when you get a chance okay? 2 comments|post comment

[29 Jun 2008|08:05pm] [private] I think I've been putting this whole thing off for quite some time. Probably because I knew that once I actually did sit down and write it'd be full of emotion and stuff because so much shit has happened that I'm still upset about. In all honesty, I didn't want things with Alex to end. I loved being able to be with him, and I think that if it wasn't for the other girls he had been seeing too we probably would have had a fairly healthy relationship. But, I couldn't keep doing the same thing to myself. I couldn't keep putting myself in that position to be let down. I love him, maybe I'll always love him but he needs to get his shit in order before anything could develop more between us. He doesn't know what he wants, and that's fine, he can be at that stage where he dates and around and sleeps with multiple girls. I'm not going to judge his lifestyle. I just hope that whatever he ends up doing, he's happy. That's all I've wanted for him from the start. He deserves that. After sort of ending the romantic side of things with Alex, I felt like maybe I needed to let loose a little bit and do some dating around of my own. I met Jake and we sort of seemed to hit it off real well. He's such a sweet guy, and it was a lot of fun going home with him. I don't think anything romantic is going to develop between us, only because I think he still has some unresolved feelings for someone else, and that's fine. Being his friend is ten times better than nothing at all right? I just hope he finds some peace, because it seems like he has a lot going on in that head of his. And then, well then there is Gabe. The last thing I think I expected to find. He's probably the sweetest man I've ever met, and I just can't believe how things have sort of fallen into place with him. I didn't think I wanted a relationship, but I might be slowly re-thinking that whole idea. We have so much fun together and he is constantly making me smile. He's just got this way about him, maybe it's the way he carries himself or something but I can't put my finger on it. I just, I know not to go running into this head first or anything, but I can't help but feel like everything is so right. I don't want to rush this though, because it could definitely turn out to be something amazing. [/private] I wish there was good tv on Sunday nights. All I can find is this stupid reality show stuff on E! and usually I like it but I'm not sure I'm a big of Denise Richards or the whole Lohan family, and there really aren't any movies out that I have to see or anything. I definitely need to develop some more hobbies I think. Or maybe get like, a fun part time job so I actually have something to do during the day. Maybe something like a dog walker, or working at a fun shoe store. Something to keep me interested and not bore me half to death. So, I love going to the beach and everything, but I thought that maybe it'd be fun to go to like a huge water park for the day or something, and sit in a wave pool and go on some rides or whatever and bring some alcohol and stuff along of course to have a good time, maybe rent out a few hotel rooms and stay the night. What does everyone think about that? Maybe sometime next week or something? Just for a little fun break from the same routine, even though it's summer and everything. So come one, come all! It'll be... a ball. Haha. 8 comments|post comment

[31 May 2008|02:00pm] [ music | Sex and The City Soundtrack ] I can't believe that another semester is gone. It feels so surreal that this year I'll be a senior and actually graduating. Granted that's a whole other year away but, it's only a year. Which means I need to make this summer the best, because it's probably the last one I'll have on vacation, before I have to go out to the real world and get a job.. and all of that fun fun fun stuff. As weird as it seems, I feel like there have been a handful of things that I've learned about myself this year. Some of them good, some of them bad... but, all of the experiences I've had this year I think have definitely come to make me a better person. Whether it be trust, forgiveness, or honesty.. I've learned that trust is a tricky thing, and being able to trust someone is hard. But, once your able to open yourself up and be vulnerable with another person, I think you're able to trust that you've found someone that'll be there for you, and once you can trust yourself... trusting others just seems to come more easily. I've learned to forgive myself for mistakes that I've made, that I'm not perfect, that no one is perfect and to think that you can be perfect is just ridiculous. I've learned that being honest with myself is another element that you think would be easy, but it's so routine for me to put others needs in front of my own, and in doing that I turned into a person I didn't even recognize. Figuring all of this out, and really taking a look at my life.. I've figured that I'm really happy right now, and it's strange. I always assumed that being happy would entail other things, but I don't need those other things to smile. I'm content with the way things are right now, and that's all I really wanted. 2 comments|post comment

[22 Apr 2008|07:48pm] [ music | "Realize" Colbie Calliat / "Bleeding Love" Leona Lewis ] "If you just realized what I just realized then we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never find another.." I'm really loving that song right now, it's really beautiful and Colbie Calliat has a really pretty voice. Things have been complicated for awhile now, and just when I thought that things were going to get more confusing, there seems to be a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. [PRIVATE] Alex wants to be exclusive, and that's something that I've been waiting for him to tell me for months now. So why do I feel like he was forced into this? That I'm making him do something he doesn't want too? He told me he did, that he wants to try this and see how it works, but part of me wonders if he really means it or if he's just doing it to make me happy. I care about him so much, and I've missed him a lot. I've missed the fun things we use to do, and the way we use to be so happy with each other. We still can be happy with one another, but things have developed so much and now feelings are invested and it's all just so complicated. I can't believe it's almost been a year since we met, and we are still sort of in this limbo. It sucks. It sucks so much. I just feel like he is keeping something from me, that he won't tell me something and I don't understand why. He use to be able to tell me anything and now it's...... different, and I don't know if it's a good different or a bad different but something has changed between us and I don't like it. I just want us to be happy and I hope that when we go away for my birthday he doesn't get calls or texts or whatever from other girls. That's the last thing I want. Our time away is suppose to be for us and if someone thinks that they are going to ruin that they are sadly mistaken. [/PRIVATE] My birthday is on Thursday! I'm excited, last year my birthday kind of sucked with everything that had been going on with Marcus and what not. It's so funny how things change in a year and people you thought were going to be a part of your life forever just sort of fade out, especially after you spent so much time with them and just assumed that they'd always be there. Has anyone heard this song by Leona Lewis? I love it so much, her voice is really amazing too. "I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth..." I can't wait until Thursday. :) 4 comments|post comment

[09 Mar 2008|08:42pm] [ music | "Your Guardian Angel" Red Jumpsuit Apparatus ] You really think you know a person.. and then shit happens and you realize you don't know the person at all. You can be so comfortable with them, and so relaxed and then they totally blow you away.. and not in a good way. [PRIVATE] I'm so fucking tired of being second best. I can't play this game anymore. He either wants me, or he doesn't and I'm not going to sit around and pretend like him screwing around with other girls doesn't bother me. It's so nice when it's just the two of us, and he actually pays attention to just me, and is trying to make me happy. But then the second he leaves, I'm constantly wondering who what he's doing, and if he's thinking about me at all. This is not healthy, and while a relationship with him was something I've wanted for some time now, I have to realize when something is never going to happen when it's right in front of my face. But then, there's him and I don't know how I feel about him . We've never been anything other than friends, and while I like being able to hang out with him and just have fun, I know that if things were to get serious I'd be left for someone else. Yeah she's his best friend, but I'm not an idiot. I think I'm giving up on boys all together. Maybe someday I'll find someone who appreciates me, and understands what I need. I certainly haven't found that yet. [/PRIVATE] I don't have much to say. Life is pretty boring. I go to class, I do homework, I occasionally hang out with people. It's a pretty routine thing. I know I asked this awhile back and no one responded, so let me try again... WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN DOING A BEER PONG LEAGUE WITH MAX AND I??? It's something we really want to do, because it'd be fun, and we'd probably smoke everyone because we are amaaaazing. So, if you are interested, let me know. Please don't walk away... Please tell me you'll stay... You'd think I'd be able to think of something else, but.. nope. No such luck. 8 comments|post comment

[10 Feb 2008|11:35am] ( Private ) post comment

[30 Jan 2008|01:31am] [ music | "I Won't Go Home Without You" Maroon Five ] "When I'm losing my control, the city spins around, you're the only one who knows to slow it down ..." [PRIVATE] I still don't understand how I've become this way... how I've become so reliant on some other person. After Marcus, I swore I'd never become this way again, and what do I do? Fall right back into it. The two are nothing alike, which is a good thing. I couldn't be with another Marcus again. I just don't understand how all of this happened. One minute we're talking about starting this finally, and the next we're arguing and saying things we don't mean. I know he needs time, I know he does... I can't be so selfish, or this will never work, and that can't happen. I care about Alex way too much, I've come too far for all of this to blow up in my face. "Every night she'd cry herself to sleep, asking why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard? " He came home with me, and it was a really good visit. My parents loved him, thinking he was such a perfect young man. In some ways he is... but it was funny to see how his personality sort of changed. I just think back to when all of this started, and how much I've changed since then. However, when I go places like home I turn right back into that little girl again, and I think a bigger part of myself is trying to hold onto it. I need to go back to the basics really, remember my morals and what I value the most. My father's condition is a stable, which is a good thing. It could be a lot worse, and I just keep hoping and praying that he will get better. He has to get better, I don't know what I would do without him. [/PRIVATE] I've got to be stronger than this, or I will never last. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and yes.. I still do make Valentines for people. If you are lucky enough you might just get your name written with glitter on a nice big pink heart with a cute message on the back. Anything that happens this year will top last years for sure, considering that was when Marcus and I broke up. What crap right? Everything happens for a reason though, and without breaking up with him, I would have never found my way back here. I was actually maybe thinking of having a Valentine's Party, but I'm sure people have better things to be doing on the holiday. I can't wait to get out of this cold weather. Los Angeles is right around the corner, and I'm so stoked for some sunny weather. I want to be able to wear flip flops and sundresses again. This boots and sweaters weather is really depressing, and can stop at any time. Inez baby? Can we do lunch again soon? I miss you. I'll cook this time if you want? :) I've been listening to the radio a lot more lately rather than watching tv (one of my new year's resolutions actually). I have to say, I love the new Maroon Five and Staind. "It's not over tonight, just give me one more chance to make it right, I may not make it through the night, I won't go home without you..." Their songs are just so great. I recommend you all go download buy their new album. 10 comments|post comment

[11 Jan 2006|01:16pm] ( Head under water, and they tell me to breathe easy for awhile... ) ( Quick Facts ) ( Storylines ) post comment

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